I wish there are another way to honor our parents in death. Because it is related to honoring parents after death, saying kaddish has become the most widespread ritual on the American Jewish scene and often the perceived hallmark of piety. It has come to the point where people think that, almost to the exclusion of all other ritual and concern for Jewish law, all that a person has to do is say kaddish for their parent upon their death.

It is interesting to note that kaddish does not speak of death, but rather of sanctifying God’s name and faith in times of distress. Ironically, reciting kaddish has lead to the de-sanctification of God’s name and less faithful activity as people ignore other mitzvot in favor of kaddish.

Saying kaddish is an important for children way to reflect the values and ideals their parents stood for. When a child recites kaddish the deceased parent may be judged more favorably as the faithful recitation of kaddish stands as testimony to the parent’s spiritual legacy.

But here again we must wonder if there is a better way. Certainly greater merit can be brought to deceased parents if their spiritual legacy is more than eleven months of kaddish.

In light of this analysis, I wish to highlight a suggestion made by Rabbi Shlomo Ganzfried, author of the Kitzur Shulchan Aruch – The Concise Code of Jewish Law. In Chapter 22 (Laws of Mourners Kaddish) he writes: “Though kaddish and prayers are helpful to the departed, they are not of primary importance. What is most essential is that their children proceed in the path of righteousness and, in the manner, bring merit to their parents…A person should command his children to be scrupulous in the observance of a particular mitzvah. Their practice of it will be considered more important than their recitation of Kaddish.”

Along these lines, I recommend a new mourning custom – one that hopefully will have more lasting spiritual and religious staying power. I propose that all parents whose children are not Sabbath observant tell their children that either instead of (or in addition to) saying kaddish for a year that their children should remember them by observing Shabbat for a year.

In the scheme of mitzvot, Shabbat observance is more important than the recitation of kaddish, so if one mitzvah is going to be focused on for the year, better Shabbat than kaddish.

Another, perhaps more compelling reason to focus on Shabbat over kaddish is for the benefit of the grandchildren of the deceased. Children who grow up in a home where Shabbat is observed on a regular basis stand a much better chance of marrying another Jew and building a home where Jewish traditions are observed. Additionally, for all those other than the mourning child, saying kaddish goes largely unnoticed in the home. Shabbat observance encompasses the entire home and atmosphere of the family.

It is time to say Kaddish over Kaddish and welcome new Jewish life.

Agudath Yisrael of America recently stated that President Obama’s efforts to “make health care more accessible to the uninsured and underinsured should be applauded” and that “promotion of good health and well being are religious imperatives.”

The Agudath Yisrael should be commended for stepping into the debate and making a statement based on Jewish values.

Where are the other Orthodox groups….especially the Modern Orthodox? It seems that we are comfortable letting the Jewish position on Health Care reform be staked out by the right wing and let wing of Judaism.

For so many, Orthodoxy remains irrelevant because in our shuls and schools we hear about the minute details of how to keep kosher and debate how long a woman’s sleeve must be and ignore serious discussions on societal and moral issues of our day. Here was our chance (maybe there is still time) to appear relevant by formulating an approach on the most significant issue facing America and we have remained silent.

Participating in the universal questions of our time and contributing to the general welfare are commitments that the morethodox should take very seriously.

In 1964 Rabbi Joseph Soloveitchik expressed our responsibility in this realm very clearly when he said: “We Jews have been burdened with a twofold task; we have to  cope with the problem of a doub!e confrontation. We think of ourselves as human beings, sharing the destiny of Adam in his general encounter with nature, and as members of a covenantal community which has preserved its identity under most unfavorable conditions, confronted by another faith community. We believe we are the bearers of a double charismatic load, that of the dignity of man, and that of the sanctity of the covenantal community. In this difficult role, we are summoned by God, who revealed himself at both the level of universal creation and that of the private covenant, to undertake a double mission – the universal human and the exclusive covenantal confrontation.”

The quote is from Rabbi Soloveitchik’s “Confrontation” where the Rav expresses guidelines for interfaith dialogue. While Rabbi Soloveitchik limits the types of theological discussions we Jews can have with non-Jews, he also notes that dialogue and participation in the no theological realm is permitted.

Our community has taken less seriously the charge Rabbi Soloveitchik gave in terms of actually engaging with the universal community for the greater good.

Rabbi Soloveitchik identifies the common “antagonist” to be contended with as a reason for involvement in universal social issues.

In an addendum to Confrontation Rabbi Soloveitchik calls concern and discussion of issues facing the public as “essential”

“When, however, we move from the private world of faith to the public world of humanitarian and cultural endeavors, communication among the various faith communities is desirable and even essential. We are ready to enter into dialogue on such topics as War and Peace, Poverty, Freedom, Man’s Moral Values, The Threat of Secularism, Technology and Human Values, Civil Rights, etc., which revolve about religious spiritual aspects of our civilization.

Since we are approaching Rosh Hashana we can look to the liturgy for guidance in this realm as well.

It is interesting to note that the three main sections of the Rosh Hashan Mussaf, Malchiyot, Zochronot and Shofarot begin by establishing the unique relationship between God and the Jewish people and ends by extending that relationship (and eschatological hopes) to all humanity. God’s sovereignty (Malchiyot), Divine Providence (Zichronot), and Revelation (Shofaros) are experienced by all. The universal nature of these teffilot ahould remind us of our obligation to engage universal issues and express concern for the welfare of all.

We must get into this discussion. If not for the sake of participating with our fellow citizens of an issue of great concern, then for the sake of our communities that will, once again, be confronted with the perceived irrelevancy of our communal institutions and our faith.

A word on quality: Many have argued in favor of Universal health care “as long as quantity does not jeopardize quality”.  I wonder about this. Is this even possible? Here is what Rambam wrote:

“One may provide for the poor of idolaters as one does for the Jewish poor for the sake of the ways of peace (Darkei Shalom = pleasant relationships) and nor do we prevent them from taking any of the gifts of harvest for the poor, for the same reason, and one may enquire after their health, even on one of their festivals, for the same reason.”(Laws of Idolatry and Idolaters, 10:5).

At the very least Orthodox groups should be making statements in favor of Universal Health care. Whether we base it on Pikuach Nefesh (saving lives), Tzedakah, or the biblical mandate to take care of the less fortunate, we must make our voices heard. To be sure, the devil is in the details, but by not making a simple statement that every human being is entitled to health care, orthodox groups are missing an important opportunity.

Last week I wrote of welcoming intermarried families and this week I would like to address how we see another population of Jews that often feels unwelcomed -Jewish people who are not physically attracted to people of the opposite gender, but only to the same gender, and how we as communities observant of halacha can welcome them and to what extent.

Various studies estimate that anywhere from 4%-20% of the American population is homosexual.  It would be dangerous for us to believe that Orthodox Jews are an exception.  That the torah forbids men from having sexual relations with each other is testament that in the Torah’s preview such a desire does exist.

My community encompasses several gay members, some are open about it and some are not, some have partners or are married and others are not, some live a celibate life alone (or have tried to) and others do not.   Just as there isn’t one type of heterosexual person so too there is not homogeneity among homosexuals.  Ultimately people are individuals (an entire universe of their own, as the Mishna in Sanhedrin says), and must be attended to as such.

What should an orthodox Rabbi do when a congregant comes out to him?  What should an Orthodox community’s attitude be toward their gay brethren?   Should we reject them?  Accept them?  Tell them they can never live a life with a family and have children?  Find them a proper partner?

I would argue that while Orthodox rabbis and communities can’t celebrate same gender weddings, at the same time we do not have to concern ourselves with what happens in everyone’s bedrooms.  For instance, some upstanding Orthodox rabbis perform weddings for people they know are not going to go to the mikvah regularly (though we hope they will one day).  Halachikally in fact, it may be worse for a man to have intercourse with a woman who has not gone to the mikvah after menstruating, than it is for a lesbian couple to be intimate and possibly even for a gay male couple to be intimate (in some ways).

Perhaps we should take at face value that people are living together and raising Jewish families together. Though I am not suggesting celebrating or performing same gender weddings, perhaps we can celebrate the fact that two people commit to living with each other forever, raising Jewish observant children together, keeping Shabbos as a family, keeping kosher, singing nigunim and learning Torah.

I am not suggesting we change the Torah or Jewish law, rather I am pointing out ways we can view things in order to better welcome the entire Jewish people into communities that study and observe the Torah.

We may fear that by being welcoming to gay Jews and families with same gender parents we are implicitly offering legitimacy to things the torah forbids.  But aren’t we just as scared of condemning people to a lonely life that they cannot lead?  I am not saying no one can be celibate; certainly there are people who can do it.  There are people who will commit their lives to serving the community, to a relationship only with God and with friends with no intimacy and no eizer kinegdo (helpmate).  But this is not everyone and I’m not sure it’s the best path for most.  How many joyous mitzvot that are most fully observed as a family must we sacrifice for this one issur (forbidden thing), which may be in many instances a rabbinic one?

I’m not saying we should be cavalier. I am not saying all of a sudden we should have  engagement parties for gay couples, but what if we had a cake at kiddush one Shabbat (albeit a big cake or one with small writing) that said “Mazal Tov on your commitment to each other forever to raise a Jewish family!”?

I remember I was once at a meeting of rabbis where one Rabbi argued that we should protest the Jewish newspapers for including ads announcing gay marriages.  He said if we did not our children would think it was ok to become gay.  I have no doubt this Rabbi had never know a gay Orthodox Jew well.  If he had he would know that often gay Orthodox Jews want nothing more than to be straight, it is not a choice most make.

I will finish with the wise words an observant gay Jew once said to me:  We must be clear that there is a difference between halacha (Jewish law) and homophobia.  When our personal fears and prejudices hide under the banner of halacha, when we use the Torah as a spade to dig with in service of our own predilections, egos and anxieties, we not only do a disservice to the Jewish people but to the Torah itself.